This feeling you're feeling
by KiwiSWFan
Summary: Nikki, Harry and Leo head out for dinner following a long week. Not sure where this came from but after commenting for so long, here's a SW fic. Please comment and apologies for the rubbish quality. I've never written before!
1. Chapter 1

You didn't know to expect anything different that night. Friday night dinner and drinks with Harry and Leo were a regular occurrence, even more so following Leo's split from Janet. This week - Harry's choice. Surprisingly, it's a quiet restaurant come bar with a small dance floor.

Halfway through the meal, Leo is called away to a scene . "A simple RTA," he says . "No need for anyone else to help out" as you both half-rise to your feet. He flicks an inscrutable look at you both as he leaves. From Harry to you and back again as a curious half-smile plays on his lips. "Enjoy yourselves." Nothing more. Nothing less.

Thinking back, how did you not see the signs?

You sit there for hours. Eating, talking, drinking. Laughing.

A song starts and Harry's pulling you to your feet. Normally you would resist but not tonight. You're tired. It's been a long day, a long week, a long month. And you've missed his company since he moved out. You relax and lean into him. You relish rediscovering that closeness you had when 'living together.' You lean softly against him. Only with him can you feel such a comfortable silence.

You smile, thinking nothing will destroy this feeling you're feeling…

Then suddenly, "You haven't dated any _unsuitables_ in a while… what's happened"

You blush, look down, "I haven't… I mean, there's… no, I haven't."


	2. Chapter 2

Hello!

I've now figured out you need to post your message in the word document…

Thanks everybody. I'm overwhelmed and very grateful for the feedback and reviews! Thanks to tigpop, Littlefoot19 and mari27990 for their kind reviews As I said, I've never written before (and probably won't again) but this story decided to write itself a overwhelmed and very grateful for the feedback and reviews! This story decided to write tiself t about midnight yesterday and was done a couple of hours later.

I forgot the disclaimer that none of the characters belong to me obviously. They all belong to the BBC. The lyrics in this chapter and the others are from 'Beneath Your Beautiful' by Labrinth. Everytime I hear it, it makes me think of H/N.

Hope you enjoy the rest! It gets a lot slower and reflective from hereon in.

You tell all the boys "No"  
Makes you feel good, yeah  
I know you're out of my league  
But that won't scare me away, oh, no

You're not sure where this is going. You had a plan this evening and had chosen the restaurant accordingly. Leo's being on call and the icy, wintery conditions meant he would either get a call-out or, at the very least, would leave early to get some sleep before the inevitable 2 a.m. phonecall. You also suspect _he knows._

Everything had gone to plan and you and Nikki had been as close as ever. No. Closer. You'd even managed to get her dancing with virtually no protest.

_Everything_ was going swimmingly until you opened your big mouth and mentioned _them._ You'd realised over time these comments upset her. And so they should because far from being the 'tart' you once laughingly called her, she is _way out of your league._ God knows why you'd brought it up tonight. Maybe, because in the back of your mind, you feared being consigned to the same category.

Or maybe because you wanted to be sure that you WEREN'T and that maybe you'd caused it? That she'd stopped seeing them for a reason.

Everything has changed recently and you two are teetering on the brink of 'something'. In your heart of hearts, you know something has to change. Either you 'get it together' as Leo rebuked you so sharply over coffee one morning not so long ago or you…leave?

You'd had a frank conversation with him sparked by your departure from work with Nikki the previous evening. You'd stood there that night as you both said goodnight to him. You'd put her scarf and her coat on her. It was a habit you'd developed when staying with her in the mornings. (Well, it was quicker than waiting for Nikki to fuss and get ready.) And then, well then, you couldn't help yourself (_again) _and you'd turned it into a joke, tapping her gently on the face and running. You'd _felt_ something as you'd put her coat on her that evening. It had been a tough week. Well, much like this week, really. Yes, you'd felt something and you'd pulled back. Again.

It was the next day things changed. Leo challenged you, asking you what you really wanted? You knew it. He knew it. You started to hope that maybe even Nikki knew it after what Leo had said. Nothing direct. Not even hinting. But this time there was a clear message to act one way or the other.

_Everything was driving you forward._

Next thing you knew, you had a letter from NYU offering a job. A full professorship.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks again for the reviews! Thanks to Decidely Average, Freya82 and Littlefoot19! Very encouraging **** As I said, I'm not a writer and so not sure of this but, you'll get the rest of it anyway! There are a few parts to go and it is quite slow-moving. If it wasn't obvious, this fic flicks between H/N so back to Nikki this time! Enjoy and thanks again for the reviews. **

You tense and think about moving away.

You're not upset with him. Not really. Once upon a time those comments hurt but he hasn't even mentioned _them_ in a while. You've been closer than ever these last few months. Your father's death. Harry's second 'near-death experience' and his moving in for a few weeks. Leo's 'mid-life crisis' (if that was what it was). Yes, you've become closer.

What was once a crush, had become love, was snatched away and had become an impossibility. Well, recently, it had seemed more… doable? Realistic? And that means the _unsuitables_ don't work even as a distraction now. Nor, more tellingly, do you want them to.

Your mind is in turmoil as you can't stop all these thoughts running through your mind. Thoughts you normally block because thinking them, _feeling_ them would be tantamount to acknowledging _it._

Harry's chuckle stops you right there. Luckily. "Stop it. And spill."

You start and tilt your head up. "What?"

His look is inscrutable for a second. Probably as inscrutable as yours was a few seconds previously. Then his face clears. He smiles. "I know you. Your mind is running at a mile at a minute."

Yes, he can read you. You're a closed book to most people but Harry has that ability to see right through you. "I was just… thinking. It was an unusual question, particularly in the circumstances. Bit of a mood spoiler too". You're being daring but trying to pull it back.

His brow creases and he looks confused. You pull back and gesture. "You? Me? Dancing? What could be more perfect? _What more could you want?_" You grin cheekily and feel safer.

You're back on familiar ground. You find refuge from your feelings in what you call harmless banter. Others would probably call it flirting but you both studiously ignore that fact. Along with the concept of personal space. Along with your feelings.

"Well, Dr. Alexander, to be quite honest. Nothing."

_You did NOT expect THAT._


	4. Chapter 4

Hello!

Thanks again everybody! I'm overwhelmed and very grateful for the visitor stats and the reviews! Thanks to tigpop, Littlefoot19 and Dinabar for their lovely reviews! Not sure about this bit but I felt it was necessary. Enjoy! And enjoy part 2 tonight :-)

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?  
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?  
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl  
I wanna see inside  
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?

You take a deep breath. _Finally_ your brain has kicked into gear.

You look down and repeat it. That one word that changes everything. Irrevocably.

_Nothing._

You wait as she looks at you. You share another one of those moments where you just stare at each other and you can see things, _feelings, _that need to see the light of day.

You sense that there are still things to be said. You sense that maybe, just maybe, Nikki does feel the same. Her confusion, her long silence, this _look_… Despite your ability to read her and understand her better than you do yourself, there are still things closed off. One final layer to uncover.

She leans in against you and you relax. You didn't even realise how tense you were. You sense she's giving you something here. _The ball's in your court_ as they say.

It's like a light-bulb comes on in your head. You understand. Now you just need to do this right. And get what you want. What you need. And what you both deserve.

You just fear, well, fear.

_Fear._ That's what holding you both back.

_Nikki._ Nikki cannot see how amazing she is. She fears not being good enough and being rejected. Yet she is perfect as she is. She is _absolutely beautiful_ and never more so than in this minute.

_You._ You fear that you are not good enough for her and she is _way out of your league_.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks again for the reviews, particularly Tigpop and Littlefoot19, who review without fail, and mari27990 plus those who sent pms : -) I'm glad to see Nikki is still missing Harry this series and that she and Jack haven't automatically got the same type of relationship. Hope everyone is enjoying Series 16 ! Thanks again!**

You let all the girls go  
Makes you feel good, don't it?  
Behind your Broadway show  
I heard a boy say, "Please, don't hurt me"

His arms tighten around you as you lean back into him. A quieter, slower song starts.

The lyrics seem to speak right to your soul.

He bends down and starts talking quietly into your ear. Softly so no-one can hear. No, not so no-one can hear. So he can say this without looking at you. Like he's scared of your reaction. He can always hide the disappointment before looking at you.

"Nothing is more perfect than this moment. Except that it's about 8 years too late…"

You realise how much he's sacrificing and you make a gesture, a small one admittedly. You fear that after all this time that you could still be reading this wrong.

"You're right. Nothing." And you smile.

Silence falls and you sway quietly in time to the music. It's like the rest of the world has disappeared. This dance floor, this music, it's all for you.

"Harry?"

"Hmmm…?"

You can tell he's intrigued by the tone of his voice.

"Well, what about you? It's been a while for you too… What happened to all the 25 year-olds?"

There's a sharp intake of breath and you worry you've misjudged this or that he will.

You know his women served their purpose as a distraction. They were a "show."

He swallows and whispers again, quieter this time, and you can tell he's struggling with his emotions. Like that time he feared he was turning into his father. This can't be good. When this happens, he questions himself. Deep inside Harry, there was a little boy still hiding, not wanting to be hurt. Possibly hurt from your own fear of commitment, a small voice whispers back.

His answer pulls you back from your thoughts. "No, I haven't uh seen anybody in a while."

Silence.

"Why?" you throw back at him, slightly annoyed. This cannot fall down to you. The pair of you has reached the brink and whatever happens there is no going back.

" Because… I uh, I don't know…Anyway, you still haven't explained to me yet..."


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks again for the reviews Tigpop, Littlefoot19, mari27990 and owls-eat-waffles. : -) Future writing (although see one shot I posted yesterday) depends on my ability to manage my procrastination time and my study and work. My main complaint about Series 16 is that they're cramming too much in so we don't get as much story or character development as in the past. This chapter moves things along a bit now (and is my favourite bit)! Hope everyone's keeping warm! Thanks again!**

You've carried on so long  
You couldn't stop if you tried it.  
You've built your wall so high  
That no one could climb it.  
But I'm gonna try

As you hear Nikki's groan of frustration, and as she pulls away, you know you've done it again.

The shutters have gone up.

No, not shutters, a wall, a bloody great wall and you don't see any ladder to climb.

(Man, this song is messing with your head.)

You follow her back to the table, grab her wrist and pull her onto your lap (grateful that you have a table in the alcove and even more grateful that the restaurant is quiet enough for your actions to go unnoticed but busy enough that you have time before they close.)

You gulp and whisper, "But I'll explain first."

You pull her in again and she yields, not overly willingly, but she rests her head back on your chest.

You start to tell her a story. A very long one. It begins with a young, stubborn male pathologist whose life is invaded by a beautiful, young, stubborn, forensic anthropologist and their lives together. What she does to him.

You explain that young boy's life from beginning to now. His thoughts, his feelings.

_You explain what she does to you. _Your hopes, your fears. Why you haven't said anything clearly until now. Why, even now, you can't clearly explain how you feel.

You realise, in that moment, as you're telling the story, at exactly what moment you realised how this would play out. You were reading a poem in her book after her father's funeral and it crystallised your thoughts. Your fears. Your _feelings._ You realise _this_ is possibly the way to get her to realise. Through the magic of the written word. So you finish your tale by quoting him:

"_I love you so much I'll never be able to tell you; I'm frightened to tell you. I can always feel your heart. Dance tunes are always right: I love you body and soul: —and I suppose body means that I want to touch you and be in bed with you, and I suppose soul means that I can hear you and see you and love you in every single, single thing in the whole world asleep or awake."_

You _tried_. The ball was in your court and you picked it up and threw it right back.

Over to her.

"I love your heart – Dylan Thomas."


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks to Decidedly Average, mari2990, dinabar and owls-eat-waffles for the reviews! Not much to go now! Thanks again. Reviews make it worthwhile! : -)**

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?  
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?  
Take it off now, boy, take it off now, boy  
I wanna see inside  
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, tonight?

See beneath, see beneath,  
I...  
Tonight  
I...

You sit in silence for so long. Your head rests on his chest. You can feel him breathe and it's soothing.

He tells you a story. You try to process everything he said and to process a rational response and then realise this is not the time for rationality.

He starts again, quietly.

He tells you how you complete him and how he knows he's not good enough but could you please just try?

Because, _quite frankly_, life just isn't worth living without you.

You feel there's something significant in that sentence. Not suicide, but a tacit acknowledgement that you cannot remain where you are now both physically and emotionally.

If you turn him down this evening, you can't imagine you'll ever see him at the Lyell Centre or your flat again.

He finishes by quoting Dylan Thomas. That passage you know and relate to so well. You didn't even know he'd read the book while he held it for you that time. Now you realise that the momentum you felt since your father's funeral was driven not just by events but by him.

He's asking you to let him in, to see beneath that final layer and to let him into your heart.

For he has done just that to you.

The problem is: can you do it?


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey everyone! Here's the penultimate section! Thanks for the reviews, particularly tigpop, mari27990 and ow-eats-waffles. Enjoy! :- )**

I'm gonna climb on top your ivory tower  
I'll hold your hand and then we'll jump right out  
We'll be falling, falling but that's OK  
'Cause I'll be right here  
I just wanna know

You've talked yourself almost hoarse. You sense she's wavering. You know that fear is holding her back.

You give it one last try. You talk about your plans and your hopes and your dreams. Plans, hopes and dreams filled with one constant: her.

Silence.

And then, just as you're mentally composing an acceptance letter for NYU, her head moves, she looks up.

"_Yes."_

"Yes?" You cock your head to the side and mentally rerun through your conversation, well monologue.

Ah, you'd asked her to make a leap of faith. To give into her feelings, to 'give it a try'.

You sit there in disbelief as she starts to smile. A small smile. Then a grin spreads across your face… to almost instantly disappear.

"But, what if it goes wrong? It has before…"

"Nikki, I promise you, whatever happens, we're making this _leap of faith _together. Obviously we will fall (it's a leap so what goes up must come down" – you know there's something funny there but you continue) – "but we fall together. Whatever life throws at us, we can handle it. I am right there with you. Every step of the way."

Her smile spreads.

You've done it! Wall: 0, You: 1. (Or actually about 100!)


	9. Chapter 9

**Well, this is the final part! Apologies for the delay. Real life got in the way for a while (and don't expect any updates on 'Moving On' anytime soon!) Thanks to EVERYONE who reviewed. This part is dedicated to all of you who reviewed, that is Tigpop, mari27990, Littlefoot19, dinabar, Decidedly Average, Freya82 and owl-eat-waffles (and anyone I missed)! I appreciate the feedback and the support! Thanks again : -)**

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?  
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?  
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl (take it off now, boy,take it off now, boy)  
'Cause I wanna see inside  
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, oh, oh, tonight?  
See beneath your beautiful, oh, tonight.  
We ain't perfect, we ain't perfect, no.  
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?

You lean up and kiss him lightly on the lips. You feel drained but you stand up. Surprise flickers across his face but he has read your mind. You've given him the key, he's opened that final door and you've let him in.

You lead him slowly back towards the dance floor.

This time he holds you tight and you sway again.

There's one thing, no two actually, left to say.

You know he still feels not good enough and your holding out on him for so long has probably only increased that.

You lean up, pull his head down and start talking.

You point out that _no-one is perfect_ but you are perfect for each other.

You feel him relax as the last tensions roll away.

He smiles down at you and kisses you.

You requote Dylan Thomas at him... adding, "I didn't know anyone else could or _would_ memorise it."

"Well, it just seemed to express exactly what I feel when I read it."

"At least I now know where it disappeared to!"

"Actually, I think if you examine the _foul detritus_ of your desk, you'll find I returned it a couple of weeks ago."

You grin. You have reached a special place, the two of you. Together. This. This is for keeps.

"Well, Dr Cunningham, you better get used to it..."

He arches an eyebrow and looks at you quizzically.

"Well, now you've got me… I'm not letting go. That _foul detritus_ is going to spread to your flat too."

You wait nervously as he processes this.

His eyes light up and a grin spreads across his face.

"Well, Dr Alexander, for once, I don't see a problem. What's mine is yours… and I meant what I said tonight. This is forever. I love you."

As your smile spreads, you lean up and kiss him again. Softly. The time for passion is later.

You pull away and giggle at the look of shock on his face.

"I love you too!"

You lean into him again and dance. They're replaying the song from earlier and you realise that the lyrics just absolutely, perfectly fit you.

Well, apart from the ending. Because you are perfect. Because perfection is what you make of it. And you and Harry are perfect together. Each other's perfect.

Forever.

**"Beneath Your Beautiful"**  
**(feat. Emeli Sandé)**

You tell all the boys "No"  
Makes you feel good, yeah  
I know you're out of my league  
But that won't scare me away, oh, no

You've carried on so long  
You couldn't stop if you tried it  
You've built your wall so high  
That no one could climb it  
But I'm gonna try

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?  
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?  
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl  
I wanna see inside  
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?

You let all the girls go  
Makes you feel good, don't it?  
Behind your Broadway show  
I heard a boy say, "Please, don't hurt me"

You've carried on so long  
You couldn't stop if you tried it.  
You've built your wall so high  
That no one could climb it.  
But I'm gonna try

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?  
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?  
Take it off now, boy, take it off now, boy  
I wanna see inside  
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, tonight?

See beneath, see beneath,  
I...  
Tonight  
I...

I'm gonna climb on top your ivory tower  
I'll hold your hand and then we'll jump right out  
We'll be falling, falling but that's OK  
'Cause I'll be right here  
I just wanna know

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?  
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?  
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl (take it off now, boy,take it off now, boy)  
'Cause I wanna see inside  
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, oh, oh, tonight?  
See beneath your beautiful, oh, tonight.  
We ain't perfect, we ain't perfect, no.  
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?


End file.
